Friday, March 9, 2007

I Actually Do Wash My Hands After I Pee... Trust Me...

I am going to assume that most people reading this uses the bathroom or has at least a few times in their life... That is a fairly safe assumption, right?

It is considered good practice and is definitely hygienic to wash your hands after you take a shit. You have just wiped a paper thin cloth across your asshole, which just produced waste material that has traveled through your body. You may have even gotten a little bit of shit on your hand, and you need to be more careful… a light touch is all that is needed, but hey, I am not here to judge you.

The fact of the matter is that you had a thin shit-covered cloth in your hand, so now you know need to wash said hand. I think we can all agree on that.

Where I differ on the bathroom hygiene policy is where it comes to pissing, urinating, pee pee-ing... or Number 1, as the kids are calling it these days. I personally like to call it “evacuating sin” but hey, tomato-tomaHto, right?

This is strictly for the guys now of course, unless we have some pre-op trannies in attendance today, and then, well fuck it, you are already confused enough.

So, guys, you unzip and grab your dick to pee... you grab it and aim your sins into the toilet. Simple, and usually quick unless you have been hanging around with Johnny, Jack, and Jim all night. Then you could be there for a good half-hour… read a book while you are there, it helps to pass the time.

Anyway… you grab your scwhammy in your hand and urinate. You don’t piss on your hands, you piss in the toilet. Why do we need to wash our hands after this? Unless we just got done banging some women of ill-repute, our junk is clean! It has been sleeping all day under at least 1 layer of protection, I say 1 layer because there are the free-ballers out there amongst us. My junk is protected by 2 layers the way God intended... and by God, I mean the fruit of the loom Apple. That guy can sing!

Our junk is clean people! Our hands are probably dirtier than our fucking packages are! We pick our nose, scratch our ass, and shake hands with Steve in accounting, its fucking gross!

If anything, we should be washing our DICKS after we pee! They probably got dirty from our hands. Just go over to the sink, grab the soap and start scrubbing the crap that came off your hands, off your unit.

Ladies, obviously you don’t fully understand because you sit down to pee, and you have to wipe your no-no love hole. Clearly your hands may come into contact with some urine and you should continue your wiping habits.

Guys… stop cleaning your hands after you piss… you don’t need to do it.

(Editors Note: I do wash my hands after I pee... Don't get the wrong idea. I don't think it is always necessary, but I do think it is the social norm and I try to stay somewhere in that range of acceptable behavior.)


Grahammy Ham said...

unless you have a nasty bacterial infection or a fungal infection whose population doubles due to the extremely moist climate in said undies...

Ed said...

Actually - when you 'pee', and flush you cause a spray effect. They have found urine spray all the way up to the ceiling in some bathrooms.

Don't wash - that's fine. But don't touch me :)

John Schellman said...

I agree that one's penis is typically clean unless you've been doing naughty business with glucker's mom, but there's one thing you forgot. Ball sweat is one of the foulest and smelliest substances known to man and its proximity to the penis makes the penis guilty by association. Therefore, I say continue to wash your hands.

Don Law said...

Grahammy: Thats grosser than anything I just typed above

Ed: They find poop on toothbrushes as well... you just can't stop it.

John: I don't cup my balls when I pee... I don't know what technique you are using but it sounds intriguing and disturbing at the same time, congratulations!

Collin said...

Just imagine all the people that grahammy mentioned above that don't wash up and then grab the door handle to get out the bathroom.

I haven't washed my hands in about seven years now... ;)

FudgeFlinger said...

all you people who wash your hands are going to get sick and die cuz your immune system is like "a girly-man" and weak.

after i use the restroom i always lick my hands clean.